I simply cannot count the number of times I’ve heard: “I would love to do that, but I don’t have a partner.” This phrase, of course, always surfaces in reference to social partner dancing, like ballroom, salsa, swing or tango. It might sound completely logical at first blush… after all, if you’re going to learn a style of “partner” dancing… it’s right there in the name, isn’t it? PARTNER! Except that, contrary to what you might logically expect, MOST of the people I know who go out to social partner dancing events DON’T have a dance partner. I would even venture to say that at least 75% of the people at the dance events I attend are there without a partner.
Why? It sounds like a contradiction! And certainly, partner dancing is a lot of fun for couples; over the years I’ve taught tons of couples who love having a hobby that, by its very nature, is cooperative and interactive. Most couples tell me that it is one of the few hobbies they equally enjoy doing together. Social dancing is a hobby that’s practically built for couples in so many ways! And yet, the mystery persists… why do so many people enjoy social dancing when they don’t have a partner?
Could it be that many of these people enjoy social partner dancing BECAUSE they don’t have a partner?
Again, don’t get me wrong, social dancing is a lovely hobby for couples, but I would venture to say that many different facets of the hobby are specifically attractive to single dancers.
The most obvious advantage for singles is that it’s a great hobby for meeting people. I don’t mean in the sense of dating (though, that happens a lot too), but I mean it in the most general sense of making the acquaintance of lots of different people. Motivated couples can take advantage of this benefit, too. But people who attend events without a partner get to experience this facet to its fullest because they are dancing every dance with someone new! Certainly, many couples also dance with a variety of different partners, but because they dance many dances together, they don’t experience the built in “social-butterfly” aspect of partner dancing in the same way as individual dancers do. Remember, those 75% of attendees who come without a partner? Well, if YOU also come without a partner, those 75% are going to find you when they are looking for someone to dance with. It is customary at most dance events (though, Argentine Tango is an exception) for non-couples to dance with a different partner for every new song. Of course it’s okay to come back and dance with the same person later on, but the social etiquette of dance events usually encourages dancing with a variety of partners before circling back to someone you danced with earlier in the evening. The result is that you literally cannot help but meet lots of new people when you attend a social dance event, and you meet more people when you attend without a partner. Because the dance styles, by their very nature, necessitate having a partner, it produces a virtuous social cycle of meeting new people. People who attend dance events without a partner experience the benefit of this cycle much more than couples do, and as a result, they are more likely to come back more often because they make more social connections. Even members of a couple, who enjoy meeting new people while partner switching at dances, are more likely to come back on a night when their spouse or regular partner is busy with a non-dance activity.
In this way, I have seen dance friendships form and spin off into significant life relationships. Yes, sometimes that includes dating (more on that later), but most importantly, I see social dance communities foster friendship groups in a way that I have not seen anywhere else in adult life after finishing with school. In the same way as being a student (i.e. in grade school, high school, college, etc.) puts you in the middle of a regular peer group, going to social dances has this built-in social interaction that provides the seed for friendships to grow. I have witnessed, firsthand, friendships forged on the dance floor that branch out into non-dance social events. Dance friends grab dinner and drinks, attend one another’s birthday celebrations, go together to shows and concerts, have picnics and house parties, go on trips, vacations and cruises, get invited to big life events like weddings, graduations, anniversaries. It doesn’t all happen overnight, of course, but over time, these friendships grow. As you meet lots of different people by dancing with them regularly, you get to know them—not just when you’re dancing—but by chatting in between, having a conversation on a water break or by the snack table, or at the end of the night when everybody is changing their shoes. Could these relationships develop in other types of social situations? Of course they could, but the necessity of asking people to dance creates a unique imperative for interaction with a wider variety of people. It is easier to be “socially lazy” in other group situations and stick with only the one or two people you already know. In dance, the partner switching cycle deposits you into a much larger variety of social interactions than you might seek out on your own. Friendships that start with a few dances grow over time during little moments of camaraderie, just like they can in most any social context, but social dancing provides both the community of peers and the impetus (i.e. “I’ve got to dance WITH somebody, if I want to dance”) for consistently making new social connections, and meeting a wider variety of people.
Okay, back to that ever-cumbersome elephant in the room… dating! Yes, social partner dancing is a good way for singles to meet each other for dating. Oddly enough, though, it’s a good way to meet potential dates BECAUSE people aren’t there looking for dates…. wait, what? Say that again? People at social dances don’t want to date? Yes and no. Certainly some of them do, but the point is that everyone shows up to a social dance with a more immediate goal in mind: to dance! No matter who you are, you show up to a social partner dancing event because you want to dance. Some people who attend without a partner are, indeed, single. Some people who attend without a partner AREN’T single; they just enjoy the hobby so much they go to dance events even if their spouse does not. Some people who attend with a partner are ACTUALLY single, but they come with a dance friend who doubles as a dance partner. What this all means is that every time you dance with somebody new, it’s a low-pressure connection. Social partner dancing events are not a singles “meet market” where everyone is gunning for a date. The shared interest of dancing facilitates making new connections, but you have the luxury of getting to know people more gradually, rather than having to make a snap decision about whether “to date or not to date.” Over time, you get to meet lots of different people when you’re dancing, you learn things about them (including whether they are single or not) and get to know them for a bit longer socially before you consider whether to go on a date.
I have been asked to recommend dance events that are good for meeting someone to date. I always temper expectations; if you put too much pressure on one event or one location (like joining a studio) in the world of social dance, you’re going to be disappointed. If you’re looking for a quick and efficient dating scene, go to that “meet market” singles bar. But if you’re looking for a QUALITY dating scene, look toward social dancing. The chances of meeting someone great for dating at any one particular event are pretty slim… but if you attend a variety of events regularly, you will meet more and more people all the time and, eventually, your chances of meeting someone you want to date are very good. I know a lot of couples who met through dancing; their relationships didn’t happen overnight, but they tend to be, on average, higher quality relationships because they met through a shared hobby, getting to know each other little-by-little in a no-pressure social situation, doing something they both enjoy. What better basis is there for a date? Even if you don’t meet someone directly at a dance event, social dancing makes for an impressive addition to the “hobbies” section of your dating profile. I’ve seen guys with just a few months of social dancing experience make a splash with a date by taking her dancing; it doesn’t matter that he’s still a beginner… if she knows nothing about social dancing, his head-start looks pretty impressive in comparison.
That all being said, the no-pressure aspect of the social dance community is also ideal for individuals who aren’t interested in dating. Single people aren’t always looking to meet their match; for a variety of reasons, a single person might not be interested in dating at any given time in life, and social dancing can be an excellent safe space for socializing without the looming specter of finding a date. As I alluded to earlier, sometimes one member of a married couple will attend dance socials without his or her spouse. This might be because the spouse is busy that night (but otherwise usually attends dance events), or because the spouse is not interested in learning to dance (weird? I know, but it happens), or maybe even because the spouses started learning together, but one of them really got bit-by-the-bug and is WAY more into it than the other. I knew a couple like this; they still attend some dance events together, and they use all their favorite social dancing steps at family weddings, but one of them became a big die-hard hobby dancer, taking lessons every day and going to several competitions every year; his spouse supported him and encouraged him to enjoy those aspects of the hobby without her. Sometimes dance hobbyists, be they married or single, just come to dance. Everyone who switches partners regularly realizes that dancing with a variety of different people is one of the best things you can do for your development as a social dancer. Just like driving a car, each one handles a bit differently and will take you in new directions. The more different people you dance with, the more quickly your social dance skills will improve. Dancing with favorite partners multiple times is awesome, of course, but dancing with only one or two of the same partners all the time will stall your learning; you just become too accustomed to the habits and cues that partner gives you, and your skills tend to stagnate without a little outside intervention.
The good news is that virtually all of these beneficial side effects from social dancing are available to both single people and couples… but people who attend dance events WITHOUT a partner are more likely to experience them more frequently and with greater intensity. That’s what keeps them coming back for more! If you want to dance and don’t have a partner to bring along, then you’re just like that 75% of social dance enthusiasts! The world of social partner dancing is completely open to you with lots of opportunities for having even MORE fun than your coupled-up counterparts. The best way to get started social dancing is to find a personal lesson teacher. If you’re an individual learning to dance without a partner, a personal teacher is ideal because your teacher will be your dance partner during your lessons. This is yet another advantage single dancers have—when teachers work with a couple, they have to divide their attention, teaching sometimes one person and sometimes the other. When it’s just you on the lesson, you’ll get the full benefit of all the teacher’s time and attention, and you will learn MUCH faster than if you were learning to dance with a beginner partner who is just as new as you. Virtually all personal instructors teach couples, but some specialize in teaching only leaders or teaching only followers. However, a growing number of instructors teach both individual leaders and individual followers, which is what I do. The most important thing is that you find an instructor you are comfortable working with; your instructor will not only teach you how to dance, but be your guide to navigating all the social dance events happening near you!
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