Dancing is a muscle memory skill like any other, just like learning a musical instrument, playing a sport or driving a car. The secret to learning social dancing is just consistency. Practice and repetition will lead to comfort and enjoyment… but before you reach those goals, you have to get over the obstacle of putting yourself in a situation where you’ll be a totally clueless beginner.
Back when we were little kids, we did it all the time and probably thought nothing of it. Everything was new! And every new thing we learned at school or playing with our friends wasn’t very daunting because we were doing the beginner thing practically every day. Back then, we were all experts at being a beginner!
But then, after we’re adults for a little while, we get used to being experienced at things. At our jobs and in our long-time hobbies, we’ve been doing them awhile, so we’re pretty good at them, and we’ve gotten out of the habit of being a complete beginner. We get the idea to learn to dance, and our bubbling anticipation and excitement gets tempered by an unwelcome dread: knowing that we are going to have to be total newbies for a while until we get better at it. Sometimes, it’s been so long since we learned a new muscle memory skill, we question whether we’re even still capable of learning it at all.
I can testify that, over my 15+ years of dance teaching experience, I have never encountered a single person who is incapable of learning to do social partner dancing. I think a lot of people conjure up images in their heads of ballet dancers wafting elegantly around the floor, or teams of dancers in Broadway shows doing high-stepping performance numbers. Many people imagine that learning to dance will be physically demanding like these images in their heads and, quite frankly, it is difficult to put yourself mentally into these scenes without also imagining that you will look awkward and lanky, a total catastrophe of arms and legs flying in all directions. But these performative styles of dancing aren’t supposed to be translatable to the average dance social; they are shows put on by top-tier professionals who have had rigorous training for most of their lives. While there certainly are options for performing within the realm of partner dancing, most people who do social dancing aren’t aspiring for their “Dancing with the Stars” debut.
Basic partner dancing, like you would do at a wedding, party, fundraiser, reunion or ordinary Saturday night dance social, is actually pretty low-key. Social dancing does not need to be super athletic to be enjoyable. You can dance to most of your favorite pop songs by learning a few fundamental dances that aren’t any more strenuous than a leisurely walk down the street (a good personal lesson teacher will also calibrate lessons to work around any physical limitations or injuries you might have). Most of the time the fear of being a beginner is much more mental than physical. The little voice that says: “What if I’m just really bad at this,” or “What if the teacher is mean,” or “What if no one wants to dance with me,” etc. Going into any new situation creates a flurry of what-ifs in the brains of most adult humans. I can assure you, if you are physically capable of taking a walk down the block, you are physically capable of learning to dance, and on top of that, you will look pretty cool compared to the other 95% of people who are also invited to the next wedding on your social calendar.
There was one time, at my old studio, that I was scheduled to teach a brand new beginner couple, and they turned out to be the parents of a boy from my grade school. It was just an accident of scheduling; the person who took the phone call didn’t know they had any connection to me, and I had not seen them or my classmate in over a decade. When I introduced myself and explained who I was—not just their new dance teacher, but someone who had grown up with their son—they were delighted. They said it was such a relief, that they came in to the lesson not knowing what it would be like or what to expect, but just that little morsel of shared history made them feel at ease; they told me that knowing I had grown up with their son made them feel like they were learning with a friend, and that made all the difference. What reason did this couple have to be apprehensive before I told them about our shared history? They were accomplished professionals in the prime of their lives who had successfully raised a family and risen to prominent positions in their careers and triumphed over many greater adversities than some measly little 28-year-old (at the time!) dance teacher.
It’s because everybody faces feelings of uncertainty when learning something new. We are always going to have apprehension or nervousness when faced with a situation where we feel out-of-our-depth. Learning to dance as a complete beginner is one of those situations for most people. Unfortunately, a lot of people let that stumbling block derail them. Any time we feel like we’re being pushed outside of our comfort zone, we’re going to resist that feeling. We’re going to want to turn away and go back to a situation that’s familiar.
It’s not just complete beginners. I see it all the time with avid social dancers who are considering learning a new dance style. The very idea of that uncertainty and discomfort, stepping into a new situation where everyone is a stranger and you know very little—sometimes nothing!— is going to arouse some emotional resistance. Entering a new dance community to learn a new dance with new people you’ve never met before… all those variables can make us balk at the situation, make excuses, do something else, or turn around in our car and go home. This seems especially crazy when it’s happening to a dancer who is already accomplished in one or more dance styles… after all, we already know the drill, we’ve learned how to dance, we know how it goes… and yet, we still feel nervous at the prospect of being in a situation where we’re complete beginners.
And yet, the point where we stop being beginners is the point where we stop growing. If you want to improve at anything in life, you have to welcome the discomfort inherent in pushing yourself to do something new, uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Even after you know the basics of any dance, you’re going to have to “be a beginner” at learning more advanced steps. Even if you’ve been doing a favorite dance for decades, if you want to improve it at all, you’re going to have to embrace “being a beginner” at new technique. Improving yourself in any physical activity is always uncomfortable because it takes time for the new stuff to become a part of your muscle memory. It’s like trying to write with your non-dominant hand; it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, you want to stop and switch the pen back to your regular hand. Most of us don’t have any pressing reason to learn to write with the opposite hand, but people with injuries or amputations can, and do, learn to write with their opposite hand or even with their feet! Building comfort and dexterity with any new muscle memory activity takes time, motivation and effort.
So, how do we get through it? Some people can grit their teeth and power through the nervousness and discomfort with emotional brute force. I find it helps to think about what it’s going to be like when I get to the other side, when I’m no longer an uncomfortable beginner and I know what I’m doing and can truly have fun with it.
That’s easy for me to say, right? I’m the professional teacher who has been dancing since I was twelve. But I don’t stay that way by “sleeping on the job”; it has long been a very important part of my teaching ethic that I never ask my students to do anything that I’m not willing to do myself. If I want to grow as a dancer, I have to push myself outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis. I have to make myself learn new, unfamiliar dance styles, rather than stick to the same old ordinary dances I’ve been doing forever. I have to push myself to learn new patterns and skills, even if I feel apprehensive about doing them. My current self-improvement project is to attend as many dance socials as I can that feature dances I don’t know. In the last few months, I’ve been making the effort to go to dance socials where I’m the beginner: Argentine Tango, Kizomba, Casino, Zouk, Blues, Fusion… these are all dances I rarely—if ever!—did during my studio days, but they all have vibrant local dance communities, and there is no reason I shouldn’t jump in and be a part of them, even if I feel like a total beginner. It would be easy for me to choose to go someplace more comfortable and familiar, but instead, I’m making myself do the hard thing because I know, eventually, I won’t be a beginner anymore and I’ll get to enjoy those dances as much as I do my favorites. But even my favorites have tons of room for growth! One of the reasons I love West Coast Swing is that I have lots of fun dancing it, but there’s still A LOT left to learn. At West Coast Swing socials, I always get led through a bunch of moves I don’t know. I get nervous about messing up, but also excited about working on new moves, all at the same time. The challenge of learning and improving in new areas is part of what keeps me coming back. If you want to keep growing and keep getting better in dancing, you’re always going to be a beginner in some fashion; there will always be a new skill to work on, a new move to master, a new dance to add to your repertoire.
If you’re ready to learn how to dance, but the apprehensiveness or nervousness of being a beginner is making your hesitant, you need to find a way to make yourself a little more comfortable with discomfort! In the world of dance, the “safest” way to learn, either as a beginner or crossing-over to new dance styles, is to find a teacher who can guide you personally through a series of beginner lessons. Learning in a group can be a fun social activity down the line, but group classes have too many variables and can create their own stumbling blocks to your learning. A good personal lesson teacher will customize your learning plan so that it feels like you’re learning with a friend, so that there’s enough that’s comfortable and familiar in your lessons to temper the uncertainty about any new things you will be learning. When you’re feeling out-of-your-depth in dancing, a good personal teacher will be your life-raft through the beginner stages of learning new dances.
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