We are ALL learning to dance. Yes, even advanced dancers. Yes, even teachers. Yes, even professional coaches and judges. Everyone who actively dances is also in the process of learning to dance. And yet, so many times, we diligently study new moves, concepts, technique and style on our lessons, in our classes, in practice sessions… but as soon as we show up at the dance social, we try to pretend it isn’t happening.
What is it about dance socials that make us think we need to show up as fully-formed dancers who obviously KNOW things, but make every effort to mask the fact that we’re in the process of learning things… especially when so many of those things are being worked out, refined, honed and embellished at the dance social.
There are some practical and logical reasons for this fiction, but there are some drawbacks as well, and I will endeavor to address both in this article.
The very best reason to put our “active learning efforts” on the back-burner during a dance social is enjoyment! Sometimes, the best thing for our dancing is to segment “learning time” from “fun time” in our minds. I applaud this perspective if it is happening in this particular spirit. After all, most people who show up on their first day of dance lessons do so because they hope someday they will “go dancing”—that is, attend a party or social where they can just let loose and enjoy all those hard-won dance skills! There does need to be time in your dance journey just to enjoy; you sometimes have to put all the mental churning of practice and lessons aside and just let your muscle memory take over and have fun.
Even if you’re completely “fun-focused” during a dance, chances are you’re also learning something; that’s how muscle memory works—the more you do any particular action, the stronger the pathways in your brain form to support that action. The more you do it, the less you have to think about it. When you’re just dancing for fun, letting loose and focused on enjoyment, you’re still—on some level—processing the inputs you get from your partner, adjusting to subtleties in the response, refining your lead and follow in sometimes microscopic ways… The good news is, that whenever you’re dancing, you’re also learning, whether you’re thinking consciously about it or not. But it is necessary sometimes to put the more strenuous aspects of learning out of your mind. If you bring too much stress and strain into your dancing during times you should be enjoying yourself, you will never get to reap the benefits of your hard work. Let the memorization and the self-critique and the teacher’s voice in your head have a rest—socials and parties are the perfect time to do this. After all, they are probably the reason you started learning in the first place, right?
It is also important to recognize a dance party or social as “enjoyment space” because it can be treacherous for inter-dance-partner-relations if you don’t. One of the most notorious faux pas in dance etiquette is to critique or teach your partner at a social. There are usually at least one or two “busy body” dancers within any dance community that exhibit this dreaded behavior; they offer unsolicited advice to their dance partners in an environment where everyone is supposed to focusing on fun. There is a time and a place for partner feedback, usually only when asked for and usually only in a well-defined teaching or practice space. In Argentine Tango culture, they have a very clear distinction and allow space for both types of interaction. Milongas are for dancing and socializing; Tango Practica is for working on your skills and getting collaborative feedback from your partners.
Now that we’ve established the importance of using dance socials as a “fun space,” let’s make sure our fun is balanced. There can be a dark side to ignoring the continual learning facet of your dance experience. One of the biggest pitfalls is in making exaggerated assumptions about your dance partners. We make up stories in our heads about why certain people might not want to dance with us. We imagine what dance partners think when we don’t have success with certain moves, when we don’t “get” leads in time to follow them, when we have a limited repertoire and wish that we could lead more moves. We think that certain potential dance partners have certain expectations that may or may not actually be true. As a dance teacher, I experience these types of assumptions frequently; it’s common for dance partners—especially my students—to assume they are at fault for every mistake… after all, they’re dancing with a teacher, right? Teachers don’t make mistakes! But, of course, we do. We all goof up sometimes, and whenever something goes awry in a dance and I know it’s my fault, I’ll usually say so. It’s funny because sometimes my students will continue to insist it must be their own fault, even when I openly take responsibility for a mistake. Sometimes when people dance with me for the first time, knowing I’m a teacher, they will make a joke along the lines of: “Ooooh, dancing with the teacher, guess I have to be on my best behavior!” which implies that they feel like they have to dance EXTRA well because they perceive me as being an expert. The truth is, as a teacher, I’m actually the best person to mess up with, to experiment with and to make mistakes with. I’m probably the MOST understanding partner they can dance with, the most forgiving of mistakes and most tolerant of limited beginners’ repertoires. After all, that’s what I do! I work with people to make them better dancers by meeting them wherever they are in their dance progression and moving them forward to their dancing goals.
It’s not just teachers who inspire dance partners to make assumptions about your expectations. Anyone who is perceived as being an “advanced” dancer will inspire LOTS of assumptions about what they expect from partners. While I’m considered one of these “advanced” dancers in some circles, I am definitely NOT in others. Whenever I’m the newbie in the room, I’m always jumping to conclusions about what the “advanced” dancers expect from a partner. I try not to, but it’s easy to assume that an advanced dancer is going to want an advanced partner, and will be disappointed with anything less. In some cases, I will avoid asking for dances with people who I know are “advanced” dancers—not because I don’t want to dance with them, but because I think they surely must regard my beginner dancing as distinctly UN-fun! When an “advanced” dancer DOES ask me to dance, I’m inherently worried that I’m not dancing up to their standards. In many cases, a simple affirmation will make all the difference! I’ve found myself pleasantly surprised, several times, when a leader—who I figured was WAAY above my level—said simply and sincerely: “Thank you, you’re fun to dance with.” Even better is when the leader gives an affirmation that’s specific; recently I’ve heard things like: “You have good connection,” “I like how you’re not afraid to take up space,” and “I can lead you through crazy things.” Even if a partner doesn’t have a specific or technical observation, saying something like, “Save me a dance later” or “I like dancing with you” is affirmation enough for me to understand that, despite any mistakes I made in the dance, the overall experience was a good one. I recently danced with a follower who, I thought, might not be the biggest fan of my leading. I had danced with her a couple times in the past, but one of our dances just went off the rails and we had a difficult time connecting. I was sure, after that, she’d never want to dance with me again! But we both ended up at an event with a follower-heavy turnout, and I ventured to ask her to dance again. She accepted, and at the end of the dance she said: “Ask me anytime!” I was a little surprised, but mostly glad to hear that she was interested to dance with me regularly. But if I had believed the chatter in my head, I would have been walking around assuming that she had little or no interest in dancing with me.
We should be proactive about shattering dancefloor assumptions. If we enjoyed a dance with somebody, we should let them know, verbally. In order to demystify making mistakes, I advocate verbal transparency about our dancing being “in progress.” Now I DON’T mean you should bore your partners to tears with a blow-by-blow of all your latest lessons, but you could be volunteering useful or actionable information about your learning progress.
As a follower, when I mess up, I fess up! Sometimes it’s as simple as: “Sorry, I spaced” or “Sorry, that’s on me, I was totally anticipating.” Other times, I want the leader to know something specific about why I messed up: “I’m still not very good at ducks; I miss them a lot, but please keep leading them because I need practice.” If I’m at a dance event where I’m a relatively newbie, I may preface a dance by saying so: “I’m still pretty new at Zouk” or “I’ve ONLY been coming to Argentine Tango for about three months.” On the flip side, when I’m in a situation where I’m the more advanced dancer, and my leader mentions being a beginner, being uncertain, trying a new move, or working on something they’re not good at yet, I always invite them to be experimental, so they don’t worry about messing up when they dance with me. I often say: “You should always feel free to experiment with anything new when you dance with me.” And it’s not just beginners; I’ve had seasoned dancers ask if they can try out something new on me, and I whole-heartedly welcome the experimentation.
As a leader, especially, I am always learning and experimenting, and when I’m doing something new or experimental, I’m usually narrating it to my partner. I like to be transparent about my general skill level, as well as new endeavors that are still in development. Sometimes I’m new to a dance in general, and so my lead is very elementary; other times, I’m well-versed in a certain catalog of moves, but I’m developing something new, or trying something that another leader recently did with me. I realize that followers are prone to assume that all of my moves are at the same well-honed level because I’m a teacher; but my learning is in-progress too. That’s one of the beautiful things about dancing, one of the things that keeps me constantly excited and motivated—the learning never ends, there is always something newer and cooler and more stylish to do, to learn, to hone and to refine.
The next time you’re at a dance social, don’t forget to be transparent. Remember that you and your partner are both dancers “in progress,” you’re both learning and developing, even if you’re at different levels in a particular dance. I’m not advocating excessive or unearned flattery, but if there’s something you genuinely enjoyed about a dance, say so! If you’re working on something new, share that information. If you flubbed up, be open about it—it’s less about taking responsibility than creating a warm, friendly environment where it’s okay to make mistakes, to be dancers who are learning, growing and developing together. Dance socials are one of the most UNDER-rated learning tools that we have. Make sure you’re using them to the fullest!
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