Okay, yes, this statement is a bit of an exaggeration. Probably, if you attend a lot of social partner dancing events, SOMEONE has—at some point in time—asked you to dance. If you’re a leader, then you may end up doing most of the asking because it is traditionally expected that leaders will do so… or maybe you’re one of the most friendly and gregarious people at every dance you attend, and you’re so busy going around the room asking other people to dance, so that no one ever has a chance to ask you.
However, in my experience, there are at least 50% of people—and not necessarily followers—at every social who look around and wonder: “Why aren’t more people asking me to dance?” Or, alternatively: “Those people over there probably don’t want to dance with me.” I see it a lot—and think it a lot, especially at new events where I don’t know a lot of people. I look around and see a bunch of people who appear as if they are decidedly NOT inclined to ask me to dance.
But who is the person ACTUALLY coming up with a ton of mental excuses for them not to ask me to dance? ME! I give them all the excuses in my head: “They probably only want to dance with certain people,” or “They probably think I’m too much of a beginner and won’t have fun dancing with me” or “They danced with me one time before and didn’t like it.” I guarantee you, if you go to a dance event and look around at all the people who are NOT asking you to dance, they will look super-snobby and entirely justified in never dancing with you—EVER.
And yet, when I take the initiative to turn this dynamic on its head, something magical happens… I walk across the room, I ask one of these people to dance, they accept, and we dance together. Many times, when we dance together, they smile and seem to be having fun. Other times we have a friendly conversation. Sometimes they want to dance with me again that night, maybe even several times. When I’m at a dance event where I’m new to the dance we’re doing, I usually confess that I’m a beginner, and then they try to help me out, or they tell me that they are also beginners. Most of the time they end up being warm and friendly people; all it took was for me to break the ice and take the initiative to ask them to dance first.
Could it be, that until I made the bold move and asked them to dance, they were looking around the room thinking that I looked super-snobby? Or maybe that I looked like I only wanted to dance with certain people? Or maybe that I thought THEY were too much of a beginner and wouldn’t be fun to dance with. All the same things going through my head when I looked at them were probably going through THEIR heads when they looked at me! I guarantee that everyone who looks forbidding and snobby and like they don’t want to dance with you are probably MORE scared to ask you to dance than you are to ask them.
In my experience, everyone you see at a dance event, even the most advanced dancers, are at least a little bit insecure. They conjure up all sorts of reasons in their heads why certain people, or people in general, wouldn’t want to dance with them. Back in my studio days, my beginner students would look at my Silver-level students with awe and praise; to my beginners, they looked like the be-all-and-end-all of social dancing. But those very same Silver dancers complained to me about all the things they thought they did wrong… and when I told them how impressed my beginners were with their dancing, they were totally surprised! This happens, in part, because dedicated hobby dancers always want to improve their dancing; it’s much easier to see what they’re unhappy about in their dancing, than to see why they are admired. As a result, many social dancers default to a self-critical mindset, and then they jump to the conclusion that OTHER dancers think about them the same way. If I’m not happy with my dancing, then this potential partner will also not be happy with it, and will probably not want to dance with me because of it.
To a certain extent, self-critique is okay for driving self-improvement, but sometimes you have to leave it at the door when you attend a social. We all showed up for our first dance class, in most cases, wanting to learn to dance so that we could GO OUT dancing. When we finally find ourselves in a social dance situation, we need to put most of the self-critique out of our minds and realize that everybody is there for the same reason we are: to a enjoy a night of dancing.
Obviously, if you don’t yet know any styles of social partner dancing, you’re going to have to learn a few basics; a good personal lesson teacher can help with that. Taking regular personalized lessons with your teacher will assure that your dancing improves consistently and provides a space where critique can be productive; your teacher will give you the perspective and guidance you will need to focus your efforts. But once you show up at the social, you just have to embrace where you are in your dancing on that particular day, and have fun!
In my experience, when I make the effort to ask lots of strangers to dance, I end up having a much better time at any dance event. It’s hard, I know! I’m an introvert, so I understand the reluctance! (Check out my related article: “Social dancing: an excellent hobby for … introverts?“). All the people who looked like they weren’t interested in dancing with me at the beginning of the night turned out to be people who were pleasant and friendly and understanding (even when I messed up my steps!). Why didn’t they just ask me to dance first? I can only assume it’s because they harbored the exact same fears that kept me doubting that anybody wanted to dance with me. Instead of standing around the edges of the room, assuming no one wants to dance with us, we should assume, instead, that everyone is scared to ask unless we take the initiative of asking first… because—to a certain extent—it’s probably true.
DANCE MORE WITH DANCE FRIENDS
Get Started with Lessons
Browse our Events Feed
Subscribe to our Newsletter
Follow us on FACEBOOK
Follow us on INSTAGRAM
Subscribe on YOUTUBE
TEXT us 412-712-7131
EMAIL us PittsburghDance@gmail.com
Leave a Reply